It’s probably been about 10 years since I’ve watched more than a minute or two of the Oscars.  It’s not that I don’t care… I do.  I’m always very curious to see who wins, but I’ve always been content looking it up the next day.  Awards shows are just boring, and I don’t need them.  But in order to be social I went to the Oscar party I was invited to, and I learned a few things:

• I’m amazing at picking winners.  I tied for the win at our party, mostly by randomly checking boxes.
• Kirk Douglas is still alive.
• At 137 years old Kirk Douglas still has more game than I ever had.
• Anne Hathaway would be hilarious to hang out with.  Also, she’s hot.  And she exists.  I had no clue who she was.
• James Franco is a moron.  Also didn’t know who he was.
• Jeff Bridges looks better in a robe holding a white russian than in a tux.
• Oprah screwed Banksy, but is powerful enough to read whatever name she wants in the envelope and no one can do anything about it.  Damn Oprah.
• Seriously, Kirk Douglas is still alive?
• I was the only person there old enough to remember Jack Palance doing one handed push-ups.
• If they already presume you’re going to win best picture, you get to be the entire focal point of the best picture nominees montage.
• Natalie Portman is seriously pregnant.
• It’s very clear which female presenters are comfortable with their boobs.
• Marisa Tomei likes short, stocky bald men.
• Was that really Kirk Douglas?  Come on… he’s still alive?