Things I Learned Watching the Oscars

It’s probably been about 10 years since I’ve watched more than a minute or two of the Oscars.  It’s not that I don’t care… I do.  I’m always very curious to see who wins, but I’ve always been content looking it up the next day.  Awards shows are just boring, and I don’t need them.  But in order to be social I went to the Oscar party I was invited to, and I learned a few things:

  • I’m amazing at picking winners.  I tied for the win at our party, mostly by randomly checking boxes.
  • Kirk Douglas is still alive.
  • At 137 years old Kirk Douglas still has more game than I ever had.
  • Anne Hathaway would be hilarious to hang out with.  Also, she’s hot.  And she exists.  I had no clue who she was.
  • James Franco is a moron.  Also didn’t know who he was.
  • Jeff Bridges looks better in a robe holding a white russian than in a tux.
  • Oprah screwed Banksy, but is powerful enough to read whatever name she wants in the envelope and no one can do anything about it.  Damn Oprah.
  • Seriously, Kirk Douglas is still alive?
  • I was the only person there old enough to remember Jack Palance doing one handed push-ups.
  • If they already presume you’re going to win best picture, you get to be the entire focal point of the best picture nominees montage.
  • Natalie Portman is seriously pregnant.
  • It’s very clear which female presenters are comfortable with their boobs.
  • Marisa Tomei likes short, stocky bald men.
  • Was that really Kirk Douglas?  Come on… he’s still alive?