It’s probably been about 10 years since I’ve watched more than a minute or two of the Oscars. It’s not that I don’t care… I do. I’m always very curious to see who wins, but I’ve always been content looking it up the next day. Awards shows are just boring, and I don’t need them. But in order to be social I went to the Oscar party I was invited to, and I learned a few things:
- I’m amazing at picking winners. I tied for the win at our party, mostly by randomly checking boxes.
- Kirk Douglas is still alive.
- At 137 years old Kirk Douglas still has more game than I ever had.
- Anne Hathaway would be hilarious to hang out with. Also, she’s hot. And she exists. I had no clue who she was.
- James Franco is a moron. Also didn’t know who he was.
- Jeff Bridges looks better in a robe holding a white russian than in a tux.
- Oprah screwed Banksy, but is powerful enough to read whatever name she wants in the envelope and no one can do anything about it. Damn Oprah.
- Seriously, Kirk Douglas is still alive?
- I was the only person there old enough to remember Jack Palance doing one handed push-ups.
- If they already presume you’re going to win best picture, you get to be the entire focal point of the best picture nominees montage.
- Natalie Portman is seriously pregnant.
- It’s very clear which female presenters are comfortable with their boobs.
- Marisa Tomei likes short, stocky bald men.
- Was that really Kirk Douglas? Come on… he’s still alive?